This stage of the journey is a roller coaster ride or maybe it's just a seesaw. Perhaps a better descriptor is a sine wave. Whatever you want to call it, there are ups and downs, a good many of them. Sometimes the plummet from high to low is so rapid, it takes your breath away.
When we moved Mummy to the facility in Bethesda, that was an especially low downswing. The facility wasn't home, obviously, but it didn't even seem like they were trying to make it homey. Ugh.
Then there was Mummy's obvious confusion and her plea, "I would prefer to go with you." This from a parent who never expressed a wish to be with us, was hard to hear. It was hard to watch her resignation at the thought of being left behind but this is what it is and where we are.
On the upside of the wave however, I spent the day with an old friend and I bought myself a car. It was a good day. It wasn't a mountaintop high kind of day, but it was a good day. Every day that I'm able to do something for myself, something that brings me back into the world I have had to leave for the last little while, is a good day and I'm very grateful for it.
Later today, we will go out to the facility to see Mummy. I've no idea how that will go, but I have my fears. Fortunately, there's a move to a more permanent setting in the offing, so I live in hope that we can effect that change soon-ish, before any deterioration of mental faculties has a chance to take place. That move will upset Mummy again (down we go on the wave) and will likely leave me in tears again (down a little further on the wave), but it will be for the best. I'm pretty sure I'll find something to get me back on the upswing.
As Mummy settles in to her assisted living space and gets in to a routine; as I get in to a routine of my own life and my own projects, I pray that the sine wave will stretch out and rather than these frenetic ups and downs, we will have longer ups and slower (and shallower?) downs.....at least for the next little while.
When we moved Mummy to the facility in Bethesda, that was an especially low downswing. The facility wasn't home, obviously, but it didn't even seem like they were trying to make it homey. Ugh.Then there was Mummy's obvious confusion and her plea, "I would prefer to go with you." This from a parent who never expressed a wish to be with us, was hard to hear. It was hard to watch her resignation at the thought of being left behind but this is what it is and where we are.
On the upside of the wave however, I spent the day with an old friend and I bought myself a car. It was a good day. It wasn't a mountaintop high kind of day, but it was a good day. Every day that I'm able to do something for myself, something that brings me back into the world I have had to leave for the last little while, is a good day and I'm very grateful for it.
Later today, we will go out to the facility to see Mummy. I've no idea how that will go, but I have my fears. Fortunately, there's a move to a more permanent setting in the offing, so I live in hope that we can effect that change soon-ish, before any deterioration of mental faculties has a chance to take place. That move will upset Mummy again (down we go on the wave) and will likely leave me in tears again (down a little further on the wave), but it will be for the best. I'm pretty sure I'll find something to get me back on the upswing.
As Mummy settles in to her assisted living space and gets in to a routine; as I get in to a routine of my own life and my own projects, I pray that the sine wave will stretch out and rather than these frenetic ups and downs, we will have longer ups and slower (and shallower?) downs.....at least for the next little while.
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