Another night of weeping.
From time to time, I'll wake myself with weeping. It happens. Usually there's a perceptible trigger. A week ago, it was the discovery that Mummy no longer recognizes herself in the mirror. Actually, I already knew that she didn't, it was hearing that she'd been having an animated conversation with her image, not once but twice in the course of the weekend, that set me off. Regardless of the parsimony of her loving kindness to me as a child, she is still my mother and more importantly, a human being, whose very unbecoming is occurring in my sight. It's hard, harder perhaps given the parsimony of her loving kindness to me as a child.
Last night's weeping session however, I simply don't know. She had a good day yesterday with the caregiver. She didn't do anything untoward at any point in the day and I went out last night, so I don't know whether there was anything odd at dinner time. And yet, copious tears.
What was odd, or perhaps 'interesting' is the word I need, was that there was in my dream, some weird nexus between Trinidad and its current sociopolitical state and Mummy's state. What I remember from my dream, is that there was some bit of broken infrastructure (a road) that had been juryrigged so that it was still passable. The trouble was that the short term fix was vastly more dangerous than the original problem. Hm. Yes, I can see why that would make me cry. The juryrigging that's been done to ensure Mummy's continuing care is well, it's me, I suppose. And yes, it is more dangerous than the original problem itself, to me at least. Wow! See what the mind can do even in sleep? That's pretty fantastic.
What I don't understand is why this occurred last night. As I said, she had a good day. We had a good, quiet, day. Ms. Rosa came at noon and stayed until six so that I could head out to choir practice. Nothing untoward occurred. What triggered this nighttime epiphany replete with yet another veil of tears? My only guess is that my subconscious is trying to make its position (that it has taken all that it can stand) clear. Yeah well I got that memo a while ago but if you insist on restating the point, let me restate mine: message received! I'm trying but I'm not exactly in charge around here.
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30: 5