Wednesday, November 9, 2011


I'm coming to terms with my life.This is not easy, nor am I much liking what I'm seeing but it's happening all the same.

So this weekend, I was offered a job. A good one. One that paid well and was work from home even. So there would be neither commuting expenses nor costs of care. Problem? (Can you  hear that there's a problem coming?) Well, the problem is that on account of all these months without work (on account of having to do this other thing that I've been doing), I can't pass a security/credit check. I have no shame in admitting this. If you've been reading this blog you know that the cost of care will either wipe you out financially or it'll wipe you out financially. Those are pretty much the only choices - well it could also wipe you out emotionally but we're trying really hard to avoid that. So I've been wiped out financially and now I find that as a consequence of that, it looks like I may also be wiped out professionally. Well what a hot firetrucking mess this has become.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm surprised. Somewhere in my psyche I knew that this was a possibility but still, the reality is a little (or a lot) shocking. The question I now ask myself is, "Well, now what?" I'm pretty sure there's some conservative thinker out there ready with a, "Well if you would try harder" response, but friends, Romans, countrymen, I'm not entirely sure what else there is to be tried. On more than one occasion folk have told me I'm funny, I should do stand up. Hell, at this point, I'd do strip tease, pole dancing or strike a pose on a street corner (OK that really is a joke) but after that I'm pretty much out of ideas. I'm currently looking for a night job (a legal one!! :-)) perhaps doing data entry, but I'm not sure how that will work. But it would at least be a j-o-b. Any port in a storm right?

My sh*t is all over the place, and yet, I work very hard to ensure that my mother's affairs remain in good order. Health insurance? She's got. Me, not so much. Life insurance? She's got. Me, not so much (my insurance is hanging by a thread really). Doctor's appointments? Yes for her, no for me. Dentist? Yes for her, no for me. And on, and on, and on it goes. And in the middle of all this a dear beloved friend is gravely ill and I can only weep.

If there's a message, a learning in here, someone needs to offer it up to me because today, this day, this hour, I'm not seeing it.

In the four years since Mummy's diagnosis, I have never felt despair. Until today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm looking forward to sunrise.

Copyright © November 2011 L.S. Semper

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