Monday, June 17, 2013

Ice Age

I realized the other day, that my heart is encased in ice. On reflection, that isn't really that surprising, but at the time that the realization came, I really hadn't thought about it overmuch. I hadn't needed to.

heart on ice photo: heart 28 ice_heart_by_chmstudio4.jpgNow that Mummy is being cared for by professionals though, I must find a life. That's not nearly as easy as it sounds. It means that, for good or ill, I now have to allow my emotions to be engaged in other ways than just worry (about Mummy; about money; about what next; about when I'll get to go back out into the world). For that to happen, I've got to bring the emotions, the heart, out of the deep freeze where apparently they (and it) have been stored for some months now.

Unfortunately, there are no road maps for this part of the journey either. Just as there were no road maps for managing the finances; managing the emotions; managing the decaying relationships in the active caregiving phase of this journey, there are now no instructions for how to get back into the world.

I don't have anything to offer by way of advice having only just embarked upon this phase of the journey myself. I'm just making things up off the top of my pointy head. All I've got so far is this: I have to take my time. Thawing is typically a slow process and to try to rush it, to force myself to be ready for new emotional journeys before I actually am ready, is to put myself in a place I have no business being.

I miss my mother. I expect to hear her sniffle upstairs or to come down the steps any minute. I am alone much of the time and yes, somewhat lonely and therein lies the danger. I am that much more likely (on account of the loss) to leap into something inappropriate and unhealthy (or at least unhelpful) because of my state. Leaping when ill-prepared is a recipe for disaster and I'm not just talking about love relationships either. Business relationships, new friendships, any kind of 'relationship' right now has to be scrutinized very carefully. One's ability to clinically assess is compromised, I believe, when one is or has been under a protracted period of stress. Heaven knows, I don't feel well prepared to make any hard decisions. The hardest decision I've been able to make in the last few weeks was a car buying decision and I did that with help!

ice melts for love_edited + caption by Petschm 2013 photo heart_lovemeltsice_fromJanjaansalbum.jpgSo now, I must learn to trust myself and my decision-making abilities again.

I remember years ago after having emergency surgery, I found that for months afterward, every twinge my body gave me was cause for me to call the doctor. I eventually had to explain to him that I simply couldn't trust my body, and had to rely on him to tell me that I was OK. Who does one call in situations such as mine? There's no doctor of the self-confidence. I suppose there's counseling, but I'm not entirely sure that that's what's needed here. I have a feeling what is needed is time. Healing cannot be rushed.

Somebody really needs to write a manual to go along with this journey. Tramping this ground alone and without any kind of guide or aid is dangerous business.

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