A blog about my journey through Alzheimer's Disease with my mother. I will lose Mummy, but along the way, I'll find myself and that's not a bad outcome...all things considered.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
For many years, I was a negative girl. I couldn't see how the future would be better. Then something happened. I started making a concerted effort to be more positive and the next thing I knew, I was thinking positive. I recently posted some old pictures of myself from my heyday when I felt that I could conquer the future. But the future that girl envisioned has not come to be. I don't cry, but if I were a crier, I would weep copious tears and heave with gut wrenching sobs. Fortunately, I don't cry. Tears, split milk and all that.
The worst thing about this experience is that I have to fight constantly to stay positive. Well today, I give up. Staying positive in the face of the insanity that my life has become, is itself, a kind of insanity. I worry now that the constant hits that I take - six emails this week about crap that I'd already worked out; the back and forth with my attorney about first one thing, and then another, and then another and then yet another; back and forth with the bank now because I'm locked out of the online system - I worry that all this will break my own mind in much the way my mother's mind has been broken.
How does one protect oneself? I have bad family history (and bad genes potentially) and a sh*tload of stress on my side. Working in apposition to those factors, I have my faith, my writing, my FB venting, my singing. The question is though: is it enough? Will it suffice to insulate my brain against invasion by plaque?
Your guess is as good as mine. But this day, this day, I feel like "Why bother?". I give up. This day, I feel like the milk hasn't spilled, it's being POURED out......all over my damn head.