I'm still on a writing break but I have to write this..........
A few days ago, I wrote about the challenge of being pushed to the floor. The back story on that post is that my mother used to talk a lot, when we were children, about folks who spent their formative years, sleeping on the floor. That deprivation, she felt, caused many of them to work very hard and to succeed. In my post "Buddup!", I talked about how on my last trip home, I had slept on the floor. Certainly, my bedding down upon the floor was a choice, the space being our vacant, unfurnished apartment, but that choice gave me the opportunity to think about how easy it would be, given the financial challenges of long-term care giving, to end up financially 'on the floor'.
Imagine my surprise then when, having explained all that and my various earlier postings about the need to make an end of life plan, that someone would respond thus "I am sure that like their ancestors before them these children will be quite capable of getting themselves up off the floor. Our ancestors had nothing and did pretty well considering. It is when we wait on the good fortune of others to lift us up off the floor that we miss the opportunities that are right before us. Instead of looking backwards to see what others have garnered for themselves in hopes that some of their crumbs may fall our way, we need to look carefully to see what we have in our own hands and use it well!" Emphasis mine.
Where to start? Let me just give you three quick insights I drew from the comment.
A long time ago, right at the front end of this journey, a counselor advised me that if people weren't taking my advice, what I should do was establish a dollar figure that I was willing to contribute to the costs of care and stick with it. She said, "Look, if people are unwilling to hear you, when the time comes just say, "This is what I can afford" and leave it there." For various reasons, I haven't done that and it'll never happen. But having chosen to do something else, I'm really not expecting anyone to lob accusations of "waiting for crumbs to fall my way". "Crumbs"? Sister, you have no idea how many late nights I stayed up working on my B.Sc and later my MBA. Believe me, I need no one's crumbs. I am well able to knead my own damn dough but that's a little tough to do when you can't afford the flour eh.
Perhaps my post was inarticulate, it's been known to happen. Perhaps I was unclear in my communication, a real possibility. Hopefully, I've been clearer here. This is my public service, as it were. Don't do as we did. Judge me and the choices I've made. Judge my mother and the choices she made, feel free but please for the love of Heaven, don't just sit there and do nothing.
As for presuming that I'm trying to coast on my mother's success rather than eking out a success of my own, well, I've got the papers that indicate that I had every intention of making my own way until Alzheimer stepped into my way. Walk a mile in my moccasins and then come talk to me.
A few days ago, I wrote about the challenge of being pushed to the floor. The back story on that post is that my mother used to talk a lot, when we were children, about folks who spent their formative years, sleeping on the floor. That deprivation, she felt, caused many of them to work very hard and to succeed. In my post "Buddup!", I talked about how on my last trip home, I had slept on the floor. Certainly, my bedding down upon the floor was a choice, the space being our vacant, unfurnished apartment, but that choice gave me the opportunity to think about how easy it would be, given the financial challenges of long-term care giving, to end up financially 'on the floor'.
Imagine my surprise then when, having explained all that and my various earlier postings about the need to make an end of life plan, that someone would respond thus "I am sure that like their ancestors before them these children will be quite capable of getting themselves up off the floor. Our ancestors had nothing and did pretty well considering. It is when we wait on the good fortune of others to lift us up off the floor that we miss the opportunities that are right before us. Instead of looking backwards to see what others have garnered for themselves in hopes that some of their crumbs may fall our way, we need to look carefully to see what we have in our own hands and use it well!" Emphasis mine.
Where to start? Let me just give you three quick insights I drew from the comment.
- I was surprised by the subtext of this comment. It seemed to suggest that it was OK, as a parent, to push your own children to the floor. As I have often pointed out in my writings, I sought to prepare my mother for this pass. She ignored me. Roundly. And so, here we are. Me especially, paying with everything I've got, for her refusal to do the needful. That's not OK and I am not going to say that it is. She was lucky enough to have a business major in her family, who could have taken her small savings and turned them into something better. She chose not to. That might be fine if only she ultimately paid the price. But we all know that's not how family works. So I say again, cannibalizing me is not OK and I am not going to say that it is. Someone has to be willing to speak that truth out loud.
- "It is when we wait on the good
fortune of others to lift us up off the floor that we miss the
opportunities that are right before us." Clearly, this is a new reader who has no real understanding of where I'm coming from. "Waiting on the good fortune of others" to lift me up is not in my make up. And even if it was, "others"? This is my mother I'm talking about, a custodial parent who by definition (one hopes) wants only the best for their child. By her unfortunate choices, Mother has put me in the terrifying position of being unable to work outside the home. She has no idea who I am, but I know who she is, and who I am and I cannot just walk away and leave her to her own devices. Being put in a position where I have to choose between self and another is not OK, and I am not going to say that it is.
"Waiting on the good fortune of others"? I'm not talking about leaving my career for some stranger who I have some mercenary hope will pay me back. This is my mother who, again, on account of ignoring the warnings I gave, has taken opportunity from her children and potentially her grandchild as well. When did that ever become OK? I must have missed the memo. Memo or no, I say it's not OK. Not when the information to change your future is right in front of you. It's not OK and I am not going to say that it is.
- "Instead of looking backwards to see what others have garnered for themselves in hopes that some of their crumbs may fall our way, we need to look carefully to see what we have in our own hands and use it well!" Again I say that this has to be a new reader, who doesn't get where I'm coming from. Let me therefore spell it out clearly. I look for no crumb...unless the ability to go out and earn a living that exceeds the cost of care is considered a 'crumb'?
A long time ago, right at the front end of this journey, a counselor advised me that if people weren't taking my advice, what I should do was establish a dollar figure that I was willing to contribute to the costs of care and stick with it. She said, "Look, if people are unwilling to hear you, when the time comes just say, "This is what I can afford" and leave it there." For various reasons, I haven't done that and it'll never happen. But having chosen to do something else, I'm really not expecting anyone to lob accusations of "waiting for crumbs to fall my way". "Crumbs"? Sister, you have no idea how many late nights I stayed up working on my B.Sc and later my MBA. Believe me, I need no one's crumbs. I am well able to knead my own damn dough but that's a little tough to do when you can't afford the flour eh.
Perhaps my post was inarticulate, it's been known to happen. Perhaps I was unclear in my communication, a real possibility. Hopefully, I've been clearer here. This is my public service, as it were. Don't do as we did. Judge me and the choices I've made. Judge my mother and the choices she made, feel free but please for the love of Heaven, don't just sit there and do nothing.
As for presuming that I'm trying to coast on my mother's success rather than eking out a success of my own, well, I've got the papers that indicate that I had every intention of making my own way until Alzheimer stepped into my way. Walk a mile in my moccasins and then come talk to me.
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