I know what I know

The mind, that delicate and yet hardy instrument, is a wonder to me.  Mummy knows what she knows and she knows it with certainty.  The trouble is, in the fragile place that is her mind, sometimes what she knows really isn't there to be known.

I'm confused. I don't know why. I just am

This morning there were tears for a for my having ''found" something she has long believed lost.  Mummy has been a retiree from the government service for two decades.  She's been an active pensioner all that time, yet for reasons unfathomable, she believes she has NEVER been in receipt of a pension.  Part of that is her own willful ignorance about her finances and part of that is her disease.  I don't know who to be pissed at, the disease or the old Barbara who chose not to ask questions for fear of the answers.

God forgive me my anger but honestly, sometimes all I can think is, "If you had asked the hard questions when you were hail and hearty, you might not have worried yourself into this state", because I am pretty sure that a lot of today's confusion is born of worry about money. 

I suspect that the normal  fear of outliving one's resources must have been greatly exacerbated in the presence of this other, unfounded, fear.  There is nothing to be done about any of it now of course, but I wonder how many other parents might be worrying themselves sick on account of their strong beliefs in assorted fallacies floating around in their heads? 

So Mummy is weeping today for joy (or is it despair?), for something never lost but now found.  She is so grateful.  For what?  For me finding that which was never lost?  Sigh.